Wessessed

I'm not sure exactly how to begin this. Well, let's just get it out there, I am obsessed with Weston Cage! For so many reasons you are about to find out, but the problem is I am not sure how to start this. Um... well like here is one reason....

But also there has been a lot of Weston Cage news recently and it is HIGHLARIOUS! Weston Cage winner of all of Comedy Central's 2011 Laughy awards for sure. I guess I should just let the comic speak for himself, but I might have to do a real brief shitty break down for y'all but also i don't feel like doing all the research so let me just remember vague things from the internet I am probably remembering wrong...

For one something something Weston Cage arrested for drunken fight with a dude or something some months ago or something... unrelated is this baby pic of lil westy

and then, something something Weston Cage and new bride get in physical fight and bride straight up cuts his arm or sum shit. This is SO Sorcerers Apprentice right?! Just kidding I never saw that, this is SO Season of the Witch right?! Just kidding I never saw that! This is much more like National Treasure, PSYCH never saw that either! Its way more like Raising Arizona!!! I actually saw that and it is a good movie but this is nothing like that!!! Guess we will settle for Face Off. Anywhos, lets move on (sorry to break the fourth wall but I just bit my fingernail weird and now its bleeding but i didn't realize it right away and there is blood on my computer!!! This is probably actually like a real Nicholas Cage movie, City of Angels?)
His arm, bloody from the fight with his wife is not unlike my fingernail bloody from the fight with my mouth.
Well here comes the comedy doodzz




Well Anywhos Weston and his bride both went to jail. Weston posted bail but his lady did not yet and so he said

" I PROMISE THAT I SHALL NOT REST UNTIL SHE IS OUT

I don't know if being your husband is in the stars anymore for me.

I will take bullets if my death means her life.
...
I WILL GET MY WIFE OUT OF JAIL"

OMG, Weston, DO NOT TAKE A BULLET! You are the best person I have ever read. The loyalty is inspired and the comedy is hilarious! But don't worry, it gets better. Or worse? WHO KNOWS!!! Cuz check this out

" dear world

i was misdiagnosed with bipolar and approved cogent
when kevin assaulted me i was too drunk to fight back, thats why im not sore about the video. so dont judge of a battle where my vigor was abated by deathly amounts of booze. never hit my wife. why would i start ...abusing after she was positive after taking a pregnant-c test

have fun killing my child BREYAN PRESCOTT

MY HEART IS BROKEN. MY SPRINGBOKKIE. WHY CANT WE STOP FIGHTING. U PROMISED ME IT WOULD STOP, I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET YOU DRINK. WE WERE DOING SO WELL AND HAD SO MUCH ESTABLISHED. NOW WHAT? DON'T LOSE ME. I WILL NEVER COME BACK TO YOU

made my choice
getting divorced"

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Keep it coming bro. Dane Cooke finally got some real competition!

BLOGATHON EMERGENCY!

Hey sorry that the annual blogathon didn't happen as it does every year for centuries. what can you do? Well this is what you can do, just blog a couple things randomly the next day until your comp goes to bed from being too hot and then just watch tv or something. Basically, if a blog blogs in a blog but nobody is there to blog it, did it ever really blog?

5-Sour-Energy [Big Benergy]

Ever wish there were more hours in a day?

Well, asshole, why haven't you ever done something about it? It's just time-space-whatever. You could have at least discussed it at family science night.




Solution: All you have to do is drink more than 1 5-hour-energy in 5 hours! Think about it, 5-hour-energy gives you 5 hours of energy, and if you drink 2 it gives you 10! But not 10 hours of energy, 10 hours of life--in the span of 5 hours.



[*disclaimer* only 10 hours of life to you, not the people around you].

So if you drink 2 5-hour-energies at once, 5 hours will pass, but it will look, feel and actually be 10 hours to you, while everyone else is experiencing hours!

*This is a scientific fact.


Everyone else will be so impressed with how much partying you can get done in such a short amount of time.

Serious Question

I have a serious question. Does anybody read this blog? If you are currently reading this sentence that I have just written then the answer is yes. If you are instead looking at anything else then you are not. Just wondering. Now everyone get back to the Arrested Development marathon on IFC

Quaid-Lude

I just really need some Quaid-ludes right now. Just a high does of some of that quaid to bring the edge down. The problem is I just don't know which Quaid to choose. God knows I can't have both (if only!!). SO you guys, please help me figure out which Quaid is the lude for me. Let's take a look at some documentation I have gathered in order to best answer this question.

Well, let's see, Dennis Quaid was married to Meg Ryan who is AMERICA'S "F-ing" SWEETHEART, so there's that. I mean obviously if he could land a sweatheart like that there has got to be something special about him.

ALSO he had a coke problem for most of the sixties and seventies. He would drink like a twelve pack of cola a day. Some days he could go through 3 2 liter bottles in ONE DAY. Eventually he was even experimenting with some real freaky shit, like Coke Zero, and Diet Vanilla Coke. Eventually he was able to overcome this addiction, and blames the care free Hollywood lifestyle for his decent into addiction. Also he would use Cocaine sometimes.
From Wiki- "It was a gradual thing. But it got to the point where I couldn't have any fun unless I had it. Which is a bad place to be." Later in the interview he said, "But I saw myself being dead in about five years if I didn't stop."
There's also this In October 2009, Dennis Quaid narrowly avoided being arrested for DUI, when a police officer managed to persuade him to get out of his car and get a cab.
^{And this-} In addition to acting, Quaid is a musician and plays with his band, the Sharks.
Sharks! Oh man, gotta get into that band. Are they touring soon? Do you think they will come to NY? I guess I will just have to call Ticketmaster later.

Moving on, there is Randy, the elder, and more majestic of the two.

Well he was definitely arrested for Fraud
And he was definitely arrested for burglary
AND he was a Canadian refugee (I love Canada so Randy might just be the man to beat) AND Randy is responsible for blowing the lid off of the Hollywood Star Wackers conspiracy. Think of how many celebrities lives were saved because of this American (Canadian) Hero.

Well I can't decide. Maybe you can help me out? It's just TOO hard! If only Dennis Quaid and Randy Quaid could have a baby cuz then I could finally have the perfect Quaid.

Too Soon?

Hi All,

I know I haven't blogged in a while, but that is because I haven't had a reason. As attorney I have been doing a lot of legal paperwork and its tough to break away from the fun. BUT IVE FOUND A REASON! (let me know if its just too soon to talk about)






This is Meg. Meg Ryan. She was married to Dennis Quaid. For a while. A happy couple, ya know. the kind of couple that makes you say "love is in the air" as you walk by.




See what i mean?

Well, then, along comes crow.


Not that crow.


This Crowe:




A happy, lovey marriage. RUINED BY THE ADULTRESS CROWE! Soooooo awful right?


And that brings me to my point.

If you were meg, who would you choose?


Quaid?


Or Crowe?


Send carrier pigeons to 6969 Hillman St

HOLY COW!

The next letter just said, "Bill Paxton". I thought, ok, I can do this, I will just go on wiki and get some info about Pax and make some funny comments and then hit post and then check facebook and then make a sandwich and then just keep on living my life. But guess what, Bill Paxton is crazy, and awesome!



Here basically lets just copy paste Bill Paxton info from wiki and look at pictures of him. Ok?

First of all, check out all this cool shit!

Paxton has played many distinctive and memorable characters, including the sneering older brother Chet Donnelly in John Hughes' Weird Science; the loud-mouthed Colonial Marine Private William Hudson in James Cameron's Aliens; astronaut Fred Haise in Ron Howard's Apollo 13; the sadistic vampire Severen in Kathryn Bigelow's film Near Dark; tornado researcher Bill Harding with Helen Hunt in the blockbuster Twister; the treasure hunter to whom Rose's story is told in Titanic; and the sleazy car salesman in True Lies. Paxton has the distinction of being one of only two actors, the other being Lance Henriksen, who has starred alongside an Alien, a Predator, and a Terminator. He further holds a distinct honor of being the only actor to have been "killed" by all three, as each of his characters in these films meets his end during conflict with the lead antagonists.

Omg, I forgot about Twister. Twister and Titanic?! That's awesome! And most importantly, Alien, Predator, and a Terminator!!!!!!!!!! Killed in all THREE! AWESOME!


Also, this actually sorta drives me crazy

Paxton appeared as a treasure hunter searching for a diamond in the wreckage of the RMS Titanic in the 1997 film. Four years later, he joined James Cameron on an expedition to the actual Titanic, a film about this trip, Ghosts of the Abyss, was released in 2003.

Just cuz you were in the movie titanic doesn't mean that you are a titanic expert. Save room on that titanic expedition for a real titanic expert. Also, why Bill? Why wouldn't you invite that old lady on your trip? Or Kathy Bates?
In 1988, Paxton and the vocalist/guitarist Andrew Todd Rosenthal formed a short-lived rock duo Martini Ranch. They recorded and released just one album entitled Holy Cow, which included input from Devo members Mark Mothersbaugh, Bob Casale, and Alan Myers, all of whom contributed to the album's modest hit "How Can the Labouring Man Find Time For Self-Culture?"

Sorry guys I just ordered all the copies of Holy Cow for myself. None left for you. Can't wait till they ship out!
As an eight-year-old, Bill Paxton was in the crowd waving when President John F. Kennedy emerged from the Hotel Texas in Ft. Worth, Texas, on the morning of Nov. 22, 1963. There are pictures at the Sixth Floor Museum in Dallas where the young Paxton can clearly be seen astride the shoulders of an unidentified man.^[3]

Bill Paxton, American Hero!!!!

TIT-anic

Wow! What a response! It has taken us a bit to sort through all of the mail coming through the mail slot of our front door, but I think I am ready to start answering some of these letters and or telegrams. Here is the first one we received-

Dear Aguh,
I am currently watching this little art house flick called Titanic. This lead guy looks familiar, has he been in any other movies? I think I remember him looking a little different. Could you give me a brief history of this actor and tell me about his transformation from babe to BABE to bleh-b? Thanks so much, and keep on "blogging in the free world!"

Love,
Curious C

Well "Curios C" I would just like to start by saying thank you for the support and encouragement! We will keep blogging in the free world, and we pledge to only stop when they pry the blog out of our cold dead hands!

Anywhos, that young man you mentioned has been in several movies, and you are correct in wondering if he has had a facial transformation. His name is Leonardo DiCaprio, but for a brief period on the mid to late nineties he went by the pseudonym "Reotardo DiCraprio".

Here is a picture of him as a baby:

I believe that to be his birth father in the picture with him.


Here is a picture of him on the S.S Titanic, where the majority of the movie was filmed:
This is of course from the famous, "your heart is my ocean" scene


And here is a picture of what he looks like today.
I believe that to be his boy at his right hand side. Maybe he will follow in his fathers footsteps some day?

Basically all you need to know is that Leonardo has had many facial reconstructive surgeries due to his crippling vanity. It is well known that he has gotten AT LEAST 69 procedures. Please pray for him!

What Should I Blog About?

What should I blog about? The first five hundred responses will be taken into consideration.

Rebecca Straightlung

Just a typical Saturday morning (2:35 pm counts as the morning IM SURE). So obviously I am watching the Beverly Hills 90210 marathon on SoapNet as I do most days. But i hadn't seen these episodes in forever and so I had forgotten that Rebecca Gayheart was in this show for a bit, playing Mrs. Dylan McSideburns. It got me thinking, we should REALLY talk about Rebecca Gayheart. It's about time we finally tackle the REAL issues. How have we been silent for so long (there is no questionmark key on this comp)!!
Basically, Rebecca Gayheart has been in ALL of my favorite movies, if all of my favorite movies are these three movies that I really like but might not be my favorites.
SCREAM 2!!!! Ok while Scream 2 is my least favorite Scream it is still one of the best movies just cuz of how Screams are the best. She has a very small part, but check it out she is with my other favorite person ever, Sarah Buffel Gellar. That's all I gotta say about that.
Moving on to Jawbreaker which is obviously the best. Why does nobody talk about Jawbreaker anymore (question mark). Is it because of Rose McGowan's face and how weird it got? (decided to copy paste a question mark). I mean I know that her face got weird, but let's not blame Jawbreaker for that! Also is that Rita? I stopped watching Dexter after season four, how is he doing? Does he still kill people? Speaking of killing people...
Last but not least, one of the all time all star ensemble casts of all time URBAN LEGEND. This movie has EVERYONE! Pacey, Jared, redhead, TARA!!!!!!! and of course Rebecca Gayheart. Not only is Rebecca in this movie but she is (SPOILER ALERT (just kidding if you haven't seen this movie then what are you doing coming to my blog, get outta my blog. It's me or the blog! Look who's blogging to dinner)) SHE DA KILLER! What a crazy killer she is. She puts a puppy in the microwave!

But listen, we gotta get to the serious business now. As I was googlin pics of Becky (that's what I call her cuz we are so close) I saw a couple things about her controversy and I remembered that she is controversial. TRUST ME, like not just getting kicked out of nightclubs controversial, I mean like, murderer controversial. Basically she really is an Urban Legend serial killer but also no she is not really like that, but SORTA!

Here lets just copy paste the wiki

"On June 13, 2001, Gayheart struck and fatally injured nine-year-old Jorge Cruz, Jr. as he walked across a street in Los Angeles. According to the police report, the child was returning home from school when he ran across a street. When vehicles in front of Gayheart stopped for Cruz, the actress drove around the stationary cars by pulling into a two-way left-turn lane; in doing so, she struck Cruz as he crossed the street. He died the next day at Los Angeles Children's Hospital."

WHAT??????????????????????????????????? Seriously though, she killed someone, and it was an accident (WAS IT???????!!!!! It was) but the kinda accident that is caused by her being a horrible driver and person who doesn't take into consideration the possible dangerous outcomes of her actions before doing them cuz she is an actress and she is allowed to do what she wants and she is better than us. All the normal not celebrity people STOPPED their cars, but miss "I was in Noxzema commercials" just keeps on a going. But wait, there's more!



"On August 17, 2009, a home video was posted on the website Gawker.com that showed former Miss Teen USA contestant Kari Ann Peniche with Dane and wife Rebecca Gayheart. The three are nude and apparently under the influence of alcohol and drugs. They appear to be engaged in some sort of sexual situation, even though the 12 minute video was edited down to just 3 minutes. Midway through the clip, Gayheart, pregnant at the time, says she has to lie down because she's "so high." Kari Ann Peniche also makes a reference to drugs being "fun," and there is a conversation referencing cocaine. The clip ends with both Gayheart and Peniche in a bathtub together, while Dane runs the camera and adds commentary.

(Actual newspaper article dated August 17th 2009 on the subject of Rebecca Gayheart)

Now the drugs and alcohol, and some sort of sexual situation, are fine. People just trying to have a good time. If I had buckets of Urban Legend money I might be doing the same thing, WHO KNOWS! But Pregnant? Excuse me Ms. Gayheart! I never been pregnant myself but I am pretty sure that nowhere in "What to Expect When You're Expecting" does it suggest taking part in these sorts of activities. The weirdest part is how this was all sorta forgotten. Like sometimes I see pictures of her in celebrity magazines with her baby and they are just like, "what a cute mommy and baby" and I am like, "yeah so cute but also remember that time she was pregnant and she had to lie down cuz she was so high?"

Basically I am just trying to say that this all makes me love Rebecca Gayheart SO much kinda? Like she seems kinda fucked up but, I like it? Maybe? Also her character just got shot in the head on 90210, and the funeral was so moving, and now we are all just sitting around at the peach pit trying to figure out why bad things happen to good people.

E! News Investigates: The Farts

Just kidding, Aguh News Investigates. I just figured if I used an extremely reliable news source in my headline then people would immediately pay attention to our investigative journalism. Now that I got your attention let me take you through a journey of medical science and discovery.
This all started when my roomie and fellow Aguher came down with an extremely serious and dangerous medical condition. It is a very sensitive subject, and I know we should have broken the news ages ago but it is just very tough to talk about. Now that you know we are obviously accepting all the sympathy and get well cards you can send. Our email is Aguh6969@T.A.edu. Yes, it's true my dear bloggers, my roomie suffers from, The Farts. And let me tell you this is not a mild form of the farts. This is inoperable chronic The Farts.

And so because of this illness there has been lots of talk around the apt about various treatments and medications. For example today Roomie Boomie asked me, "what's the difference between Gas-X and Beano". I was like, "I think the difference is that Gas-X makes you fart. It gets the gas out of you. I think Beano makes you not fart at all."

Although I am very very smart and watch a lot of House and know everything about medicine I decided to do some investigative journalism. After seconds of sorta skimming wikipedia I can confirm that Gas-X makes you fart (or burp, or maybe just burp, i dunno) and Beano makes you not fart. Don't believe me? Ask the Dishes!

Gas-X-

"Simethicone is an anti-foaming agent that decreases the surface tension of gas bubbles, causing them to combine into larger bubbles in the stomach that can be passed more easily by burping. Simethicone does not reduce or prevent the formation of gas in the digestive tract, rather, it increases the rate at which it exits the body.^[1] However, simethicone can relieve pain caused by gas in the intestines by decreasing foaming which then allows for passing of flatus."
Actually this picture doesn't make sense with my explanation. It looks like they are saying it stops farts but I think it makes farts. Uh oh. Maybe more investigating is needed at a future time.
ANYWHOS

Beano-

"The enzyme works in the digestive tract to break down the complex or branching sugars (polysaccharides and oligosaccharides) in foods such as legumes (beans and peanuts) and cruciferous vegetables (cauliflower, broccoli, cabbage, brussels sprouts, among others). The enzyme breaks those complex sugars into simple sugars, making these foods somewhat more digestible, and reducing intestinal gas."

Also, Katie Couric!

Donations can be made to the StopBoomieFarts#ItGetsBetter

PS. During our research it became apparent that Beano is also a comic book? So maybe if i just feed Boomie some The Beano Bumper 60th Birthday there will be less farts. Let's celebrate. Har Har!

I Sure Miss You A Lot

You know what, I really miss this Aguh. Sure the Aguh Tumblr has its perks, like my friends actually reading it, and being able to post things that aren't just words and google image searches, and like, you can navigate it and stuff, but there was something very special about this little internet home me and my fellow aguh staffers carved out for ourselves. For example I can write extremely long sentences like the one above and know that nobody will read it so who cares how shitty it is. Maybe I'm just feeling a lil nostalgic since it was last July that we really pumped up the Jamz over here and had our first annual Blogathon.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I miss you, and I wanna say that in the form of Aaliyah's "I Miss You" but this isn't tumblr so I can't post a video or song, so just stare at this picture and sing it in your head.
Perhaps we can take a small walk down memory lane? It will truly be "A Walk to Remember". Consider this our, "Last Song" or maybe it is more of a "Dear John" letter to our precious followers (nobody). Either way this space which is sorta of like a "The Notebook" for our special thoughts and retardations will always be my, "Nights in Rodanthe". Let's remember together!
I will always be the good son. Sorry. You're forever the bad son. I'm eliJAH
I don't think we ever figured out which is the better Terri. It's a life long mystery fur shur
Oh man, i just picked some random pics from the past and turns out most are from Lost. This was something about Jack and John having birthdays or something. I don't really know or remember or care to look up!
Oh man, birthdays, right?!
It's like they are enemies but also share birthdays and birthday cheers
This was our groundbreaking and controversial editorial on sad commercials. I saw something on a new south park recently about this, but of course we were ahead of the curve AS USUAL!
Oh Jackie, why you gotta make me so sad!
And of course, the Aguh that started all of the Aguhs. From here till eternity. And this is just the tip of the iceberg, there is so many more cherished memories that I am too lazy to go through. Buh-bay aguh, hopefully ssee ya soon. LYLAS!