Wessessed

I'm not sure exactly how to begin this. Well, let's just get it out there, I am obsessed with Weston Cage! For so many reasons you are about to find out, but the problem is I am not sure how to start this. Um... well like here is one reason....

But also there has been a lot of Weston Cage news recently and it is HIGHLARIOUS! Weston Cage winner of all of Comedy Central's 2011 Laughy awards for sure. I guess I should just let the comic speak for himself, but I might have to do a real brief shitty break down for y'all but also i don't feel like doing all the research so let me just remember vague things from the internet I am probably remembering wrong...

For one something something Weston Cage arrested for drunken fight with a dude or something some months ago or something... unrelated is this baby pic of lil westy

and then, something something Weston Cage and new bride get in physical fight and bride straight up cuts his arm or sum shit. This is SO Sorcerers Apprentice right?! Just kidding I never saw that, this is SO Season of the Witch right?! Just kidding I never saw that! This is much more like National Treasure, PSYCH never saw that either! Its way more like Raising Arizona!!! I actually saw that and it is a good movie but this is nothing like that!!! Guess we will settle for Face Off. Anywhos, lets move on (sorry to break the fourth wall but I just bit my fingernail weird and now its bleeding but i didn't realize it right away and there is blood on my computer!!! This is probably actually like a real Nicholas Cage movie, City of Angels?)
His arm, bloody from the fight with his wife is not unlike my fingernail bloody from the fight with my mouth.
Well here comes the comedy doodzz




Well Anywhos Weston and his bride both went to jail. Weston posted bail but his lady did not yet and so he said

" I PROMISE THAT I SHALL NOT REST UNTIL SHE IS OUT

I don't know if being your husband is in the stars anymore for me.

I will take bullets if my death means her life.
...
I WILL GET MY WIFE OUT OF JAIL"

OMG, Weston, DO NOT TAKE A BULLET! You are the best person I have ever read. The loyalty is inspired and the comedy is hilarious! But don't worry, it gets better. Or worse? WHO KNOWS!!! Cuz check this out

" dear world

i was misdiagnosed with bipolar and approved cogent
when kevin assaulted me i was too drunk to fight back, thats why im not sore about the video. so dont judge of a battle where my vigor was abated by deathly amounts of booze. never hit my wife. why would i start ...abusing after she was positive after taking a pregnant-c test

have fun killing my child BREYAN PRESCOTT

MY HEART IS BROKEN. MY SPRINGBOKKIE. WHY CANT WE STOP FIGHTING. U PROMISED ME IT WOULD STOP, I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET YOU DRINK. WE WERE DOING SO WELL AND HAD SO MUCH ESTABLISHED. NOW WHAT? DON'T LOSE ME. I WILL NEVER COME BACK TO YOU

made my choice
getting divorced"

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Keep it coming bro. Dane Cooke finally got some real competition!